It is almost 3AM here in Helsinki, Finland. I am up. Can’t sleep. One of my babies finally went to sleep (which is unusual because he is still an all-night nurser) and I have a moment to write a blog article, which is a bit controversial because it is about my failure as a candidate and perhaps I should keep quiet about it. However, my creative juices are flowing and I am having fun writing and exploring ideas on this topic. I have, for that matter, few days ago put as one of the requirements of this season to have fun. So writing a blog article even though it is eating into my already sleep deprived brain, is fun, and sorry that’s why it is a stream of conciousness, a rant, not an edited piece.
Basically, I made a mistake on my giant fellowship application and it probably cannot be corrected. I emailed the contact people to ask for help, but I doubt it is possible to correct it, and it’s devastating to see all this work go down the drain. Why?
Each application should be perfect. I have written many. We are judged as scientists to impeccable standards. Our each application should be targeted, ideal, clean, no errors, all the t’s crossed and all the i’s dotted. We should have taken the time to develop relationships and communicated with the institute’s professors. Even though we hear that 100s of applications are submitted for a single position, and we also (unless you are super duper ivy-league top notch candidate) submit tens of applications, to try and beat the odds, to try to get a single position. It is impossible to have a super individual approach to all of them and months of preparation and networking with few professors at each institute. But we are required and judged on that. A single error, a typo, a comma, a mistake means that we are not careful as scientists. The selection committee, the reviewers see that error and as soon as they see it, they toss the whole application in disdain of how horrible of a scientist the applicant claims to be! Such poor attention to detail means that we can’t do good science. We should not even dare to think that we can be considered for any science position, let alone at such a prestigious place as that particular place we applied to. Never mind that NASA missions blew up people during launches or missed their targets, even though those people at NASA are supposedly excellent and perfect scientists we all aspire to be like.
So I did that. The reality of my mistake and how it is going to be judged is sinking in. Never mind that I have gone through the process of asking and communicating with several people to find common interests. Never mind that I did secure the three coveted recommendation letters on time, for a guzzillionth time from my recommenders. Never mind that I followed all the other crazy specifications in this particular call for postdocs. It is said that these requirements, such as font size, etc etc, are there to test whether we can follow instructions as scientists, that we are meticulate, that we pay attention to detail, which shows that we can analyze things. We can never make an ERROR – ever. We must be perfect. How can a human live up to this standard?
Being afraid of making a mistake, is in a way preventing you to grow. I have to battle this. As a PhD graduate, can I ask a question? Or should I not admit that I don’t know something? Am I supposed to know everything now? And at least, am I supposed to know everything, every little thing from Astronomy 101 class as well?
Well, I did not take Astronomy 101 class because I did Biology in my undergrad. I don’t think I remember Bio 101 contents 100 per cent either. But I think I know how to look it up, if I need to. I think this is more important. And I can sift through data using critical thinking, to assess how reliable it is. I think this is important also.
One of my own very dear collaborators who I love and respect tremendously fell into this line of thinking and said that how could I be in a PhD program if I did not know that Venus had phases like the Moon.
I think we should be able to make mistakes. We are human. Humans make mistakes. Shouldn’t it be accounted for in applications?
I am not even gonna go to the double standards either, because as a mature person who had worked in many places, I have seen people hold positions even though they actually do make mistakes, even gross ones, but the standards used on them are not as harsh as they are so and so’s friend or relative or some other reason like that.
In any case, I failed and I have to blame only myself. I learn the lesson to proof read and be extra careful next time and give myself more time to rest before proof reading. The constantly working mind starts to be blind to one’s typos and mistakes. But is it realistic? I think it is too much to ask from a busy mom to have all the ducks in a row. Just like I imagined before to be an ideal mother, and my performance as a mother is less than ideal, but I do the best I can, – so am I also not an ideal postdoc candidate. My applications are not perfect. But does that mean that I give up and not try? No, I am gonna do the best I can. I am not going to censor myself from the bat and not even apply because I fail to meet my ideal candidate criteria. I apply anyways.
So I made a mistake – so what? First of all, maybe the situation is not as dire. What can I do? My solution is, try to resolve within the application system and with the contact person listed in the application. Second, is to learn the lesson and try to avoid this mistake in the future applications. It is hard to swallow that so much time went into an application but I made an error there .But who knows maybe they would not have hired me anyway. I have submitted dozens of seemingly perfect applications and yet have not been offered any position yet. Lastly, maybe those places would not have been good places to go anyways. (But then why waste time on the application – that’s a whole another rant!).
I leave the rest up to God. I did my best. I tried to correct. Rest is up to God. Of course I get a bit angry with God because He could have helped me to see the mistake. Well, it is my error. But if He did not want me to get this fellowship, why waste all this time on this extensive application? I don’t have an answer.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make paths straight.” (Bible)
Yeah, I have Bible quotes here.
Perfection or imperfection, I have struggled with this for a long time even before the PhD program. Why go forward in academia when I am worried I am not as smart or creative as some other amazing people? I have two pillars of thought that help me move forward when such thoughts come to me. And I have used these to encourage myself to pursue graduate school in the first place in astronomy.
So first, I say to myself that I am very passionate about this topic. I am curious. I love astronomy. I love quasars in particular. I really enjoy studying galaxies. So even if I am not perfect, I really enjoy doing this, so I will keep pursuing my interest because I don’t need to be the 1st in anything. I am not competing. I would like to live life where I study something I am interested in. I have worked for years in printing business, real estate, biotech, and other positions where I did the job well, but it was not exactly what I wanted to do. Now I have been given the gift in this life to actually study astronomy and do research and I am happy.
Second, regarding the skills and smartness. I think that all humans are equal. Humans have a mind. I have a mind. I can think. I can reason. Other people who solve problems also just use their brain and reason and think in order to find solutions. So I am in no way inferior as a human to other humans, so I can also just use my brain and think how to solve problems. So that’s why I don’t think that someone is smarter or I am not as smart or whatever. I think that I can have a problem and apply my own mental reasoning to solve it myself and it’s okay. Also, I do believe in discussions and asking questions. I know some people have a different view. A more elitist view that only few people can do science and that asking questions means you are stupid. But I believe anyone can do science and it is good to ask questions. Asking questions is one way to solve a problem. I even have for each project a list of questions that I keep to myself, in addition to the Todo list and a Reading list in my research notes. I think formulating a good question that you are working on is a very good step towards solving that problem.
‘Tis the season of applications, applications for post-doctoral researcher positions in astronomy. Every year in the fall, primarily October through December roll the deadlines for a vast number of various postdoctoral grants, fellowships, project positions in astronomy. There are some positions that float up to the surface outside of this window, but not in such a large number is in the autumn season.
So again, I gear myself to submit these applications. It is my fourth year. Will I be successful this year? I started in 2021. So 2021-2022, 2022-2023, 2023-2024, and now 2024-2025. I have submitted each cycle at least 20 applications, although last year it was more than double that, maybe 45. Should I write it on my forehead as a Scarlet Letter and carry it everywhere in science communities? I have been told that you should only apply to 3 or 8. That it does not make sense to apply to more than that, it’s the wrong strategy. I don’t have this kind of credentials I guess to be so competitive. I think in 2022-2023 season I went above and beyond before that to gain outside of institute research experience, many internaitonal talks, etc, but still did not get a job. I can justify the first two years that okay, well, I did not get my PhD intime for those, but the last year was a big blow and it’s hard to motivate myself to continue applying. But again, the reality of my interest kicks in and the fact that I already have the flavor of working in other careers, so I push myself.
As one very nice professor told me, if you don’t apply, you have 0 chance of getting in. If you apply, you have more than 0 chance of getting in. So I keep getting back up and applying.
Also, I come from financially challenging background. I can’t just apply to three jobs – I have pressure and motivation to put out more applications hoping for a positive answer. I think it is amazing if you got a position only after 3 applications, but not everyone can afford to do so. In fact, I also applied to many industry jobs and will do so later, because the reality is that I need to also financially support my life, my family, etc. So I can’t put all my eggs in one basket, and it’s hard because you have to also apply and spend time on making and targeting the industry applications – a whole other beast to conquer there. It’s not so easy to get an industry position after several years of unemployment due to PhD research. You can sell it as transferable skills but only to some degree.
’tis the season of motherhood The famous fall season. The season of constant sicknesses. In Autumn 2022 we were sick all three months one after another. This semester seems to be repeating, although the symptoms are more manageable. I have two kids. A family of four. If kids get sick, they don’t go to school. I get sick. I get tired. All this affects and shrinks my energy levels, my time availability for job applications. How can I compete like that? Well, I do. I submit as much as I can. And I do as much as I can. And I remind myself that I should also take breaks and have fun. Maria, Maria, Maria – don’t let this fall be all about stress of looking for a postdoc jobs. Enjoy these little warm feet next to you, and the daily load of adoration of the little ones. Seriosly. Enjoy. You all deserve it.
But also, we are in Finland. That means we are abroad. Away from our family and friends. No grandparents to take care of the children. Isn’t it what academic careers push as standards as well – mobility. The candidates should change institutions, countries, get foreign experience. That means that when kids are sick, there is no grandma or auntie or friend who can watch the kids for me. We are alone and it’s on us. So should I wait few more years and then apply for postdocs when I am not as sleep deprived, when kids are at school, when all my ducks are in a row? Will they ever be?
“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.” (Bible)
So I go on. I apply. I keep going , persevering to do research. At least for now. And yes, that means that sometimes (like now ) I type my applications on a laptop while nursing a baby, or while two babies jump on my head (at the moment the little one woke up to nurse again).
So I finish this blog.
I take a deep breath about my mistake. I think sometimes some scientists attack you if you don’t know something or if you make an error. But it’s only human to make errors. Instead of collapsing as a scientist and as a human being, I am adopting the equal mentality. They say that postdocs are now equals to the scientists who mentored or supervised them, they are colleagues, no longer student-supervisor actors. So, I would not choose to come at a person that way for a mistake, but I don’t crumble if I make a mistake, even if someone screeches from audience when I present. I apologize if needed and try to correct it. And move on. We all make mistakes. It’s okay. And at least this one is not the end of the world.
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